Honesty hour. September has fucking sucked. I guess I need to kinda of update everyone. My boyfriend C and I had the best summer ever before he went off to MIT for his first year of college. Everything was fine for a while until he got busy with school and his new frat and crew and just overall adjusting to his new life in Boston. Anyway we've been fighting a lot because he hasn't had much time for me and I didn't exactly play the 100% supportive girlfriend. We're currently on our second break, which delayed my first scheduled trip to see him two days before my I was supposed to go. Our first break was cut short when he called me drunk at 2 in the morning and left me a voicemail professing his love for me and telling me what a dipshit he had been. Well, needless to say the following few days nothing changed and once he was sober there were more complicated feelings at play than drunken loneliness. So we're scheduled to talk again on Wednesday and I have no idea what's going to happen. All I know is that I'm at risk of losing the love of my life but instead of melting into a puddle of self-loathing and depression, I've started thinking of ways to rebuild myself and my life without him, in case things don't work out. I've basically thrown myself into my school work and am exceedingly grateful of the fact that I am living with my two best friends who would literally do anything for me, including staying up until one in the morning when they have work and school at 8 in order to keep me sane. I've also been listening to a lot of Regina Spektor, taking lots of bubble baths, drinking lots of tea, and spending many hours on the phone with my sisters. And I've started running again, something I've found incredibly cathartic and relaxing, when it isn't 90 degrees outside. I guess what I'm trying to say with this post is that people lose everything all the time. I feel like my world has been turned up-side-down and there are times when I just get a wave of realizing that the man I thought I was going to marry could potentially cease to be a part of it. But then I get a tissue, take a sip of water, and continue reading for my sociology class. And if things don't work out, it'll be worse. For a long time. But I know I'll be okay. And one day in the very far future, a day I can't even begin to imagine yet, I'll find someone who makes me feel the way C once did. So when I get really down, I remind myself that it's either that, or we both decide that we want to make it work. So I'm going to be okay. And I just wanted to tell everyone that.
xxo taylor
