Thursday, December 22, 2011
Yay E!!!
Thanks so much to E for all the help on the Haireography! Couldn't have gotten it done with out her :]
Haireography: Dec. 18th-24th (Christmas!!!!)
This is my favorite!! I've been doing it a lot because it's soooo cute and way easy too!
1. Take the section of hair directly behind your right ear and brush it over the crown of your head toward your left ear.
2. Braid that section all the way down and tie it with an elastic.
3. Do the same with the section of hair behind your left ear and brush it over to the right side of your head, braid and tie it off with an elastic.
4. Pull all of your hair, including the two braids, back into a low ponytail.
5. Take out the two elastics so the braids just disappear into the pony :]
6. Put in any needed bobby pins and then continue to look fabulous!!
1. Take the section of hair directly behind your right ear and brush it over the crown of your head toward your left ear.
2. Braid that section all the way down and tie it with an elastic.
3. Do the same with the section of hair behind your left ear and brush it over to the right side of your head, braid and tie it off with an elastic.
4. Pull all of your hair, including the two braids, back into a low ponytail.
5. Take out the two elastics so the braids just disappear into the pony :]
6. Put in any needed bobby pins and then continue to look fabulous!!
Haireography: Dec. 11th-17th
This is another hairstyle that is simple yet chic ;] It's great for those days you wake up late and are in desperate need of breathing some life back into your hair.
1. Split your hair into two pieces.
2. French braid (or, in my case, have a friend French braid) one side to the nap of your neck, tie it off temporarily with an elastic.
3. French braid the other side to the nape of your neck.
4. Remove the elastic from the first braid and combine the unbraided parts of the two pieces of hair an tie off with an elastic like a ponytail.
5. Enjoy! :]
Haireography for the Week of Dec. 4th-10th
Okay! I know I have majorly been falling down on the job on posting these haireographies :[ I'm so sorry! But thankfully E helped me and now I've got three posts to churn out tonight!! This first one was the easiest for me because I just got my hair cut so I didn't have to do any styling. (I have styled it the way my hair dresser Mickey did, and it still looks great!) Anyway, I decided to get bangs :D and he showed me how to have messy curls and how to style my bangs. So first! A picture :]
So, if you want this look, here's what you've gotta do:
1. Get cute bangs! These bangs are thankfully really low maintenance and can be swept to the side if need be. But if you want to have the Zoey D. effect, after showering comb through your hair and then use a round brush and a hair dryer so they fall the way you want them to.
2. Apply some sort of heat protection to protect your beautiful locks!
3. Divide your hair into about three sections.
4. Use a one-inch barrel curling iron to curl big chunks of hair and apply heat for about 30-50 seconds.
5. After you finish your curls, apply a light hold hairspray.
6. Floof and enjoy the compliments :]
It's very basic and easy, but is a great every day look and is very natural :]
So, if you want this look, here's what you've gotta do:
1. Get cute bangs! These bangs are thankfully really low maintenance and can be swept to the side if need be. But if you want to have the Zoey D. effect, after showering comb through your hair and then use a round brush and a hair dryer so they fall the way you want them to.
2. Apply some sort of heat protection to protect your beautiful locks!
3. Divide your hair into about three sections.
4. Use a one-inch barrel curling iron to curl big chunks of hair and apply heat for about 30-50 seconds.
5. After you finish your curls, apply a light hold hairspray.
6. Floof and enjoy the compliments :]
It's very basic and easy, but is a great every day look and is very natural :]
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Dream Prom
So! I've decided to give myself a challenge every week. Something to help me love myself :] Eventually it will be to find my ultimate dream gown for prom :] Considering I adore dressing up, I am already looking around for Prom dress ideas :] And! I have DECIDED! :D It's Senior Prom. I have to go all out. So I'm going to go with sparkly, and, of course, floor length. I would loveeeeee some sort of jewel encrusted dress :] Of course, I need to find a cheap version of the following photos, but these are my dream dresses :]
I think the one on Cameron Diez is my ultimate dream :] But my dress last year was champagne so I may want to go with a color this year. Oh well, depends on what I find!
Challenge this week: find something I love love LOVE myself in :] I don't have to buy it, I just have to see how hot I am ;]
Happy fashion hunting!!
xxo taylor
I think the one on Cameron Diez is my ultimate dream :] But my dress last year was champagne so I may want to go with a color this year. Oh well, depends on what I find!
Challenge this week: find something I love love LOVE myself in :] I don't have to buy it, I just have to see how hot I am ;]
Happy fashion hunting!!
xxo taylor
Ode to My Boys
I just want to take a little time to send a shout out to my IB boys. My school doesn't have much in the way of decent guys, but the majority of them are in my IB class. They aren't the coolest or smoothest or bro-est guys, and they get way too excited when I bake cookies or if they get a mini foosball table as a Secret Santa present, but they are the kindest boys I know. They came to my defense when Gabriel's best friend started telling me how it was my responsibility to salvage mine and Gabe's friendship. Saying "Just fucking kick him in the balls." or "Fuck him, he doesn't deserve you to forgive him." or "Just ignore the kid." We all started to get closer as an IB family this year and I'm trying to find more ways to show these guys how much I appreciate them :] They really are genuine and kind and most of the time, fucking hilarious. They also don't think I'm a total freak even though I prance around the class room, sing about half of what I say and put shoes my hands and run around Biology singing "My hands are feeettt!!!!" Usually they play along. I love them very much and would like to put it on record that when I bad mouth the shitty guys at my school, they are 100% exempt from that.
xxo taylor
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The Beginnings of A Very Empowering List
So, as you know, I am currently in the beginnings of my self-love journey. It's been hard starting off and I'll admit I've been neglecting it since I've been so busy. But this next weekend I plan on buying myself a journal, getting a totem and really starting in on this bad boy! Mostly, my journey so far has been a lot of blogging and reading other blogs and discussing things with my girl friends, who give me strength every single day. I've discovered, however, that there are a lot of blogs and sayings and articles and videos and what have you about self-love and awakening of middle-aged women. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's fantastic for a woman to find empowerment at any age, but it's not very relatable for me, considering I'm 17 and in high school and don't have kids or a husband. It also got me to thinking, and I asked myself why women have to wake up and smell the self-love in the middle of their lives? Why can't that be a major part of our growing up; learning to love yourself in order to love others better. So! Tonight I am posting a self-love post for girls my age. Teenagers who also happen to be the most angsty human beings in existence, just go look at tumblr. So I understand that this will be a hard feat. Teenage girls have a lot more, I think, to overcome on their self-love journeys than middle-aged women do. First off, we have very little control over our own lives as it is, what with teachers and parents and every other adult constantly telling you what to do, where to go to college, what to major, who to date, what to wear, how to look, the list goes on and on. Then we have our peers. I happen to be extremely lucky in that I go to a school where cliques don't exist and theirs not some horrible popular girl storming around making everybody's lives hell. I also have an amazing group of friends where we all try to hold each other up. But I understand that there are some schools where Mean Girls could have been a documentary of a regular school day. It's hard to have self-confidence and feel empowered when you have Regina starting rumors that you're a lesbian and stealing your crush just to see you suffer. But I sincerely hope this blogs helps anyone who happens to stumble upon it. So, here I go! A short list of ways to remind yourself that you are all you need in this world. That other people, although still human beings and therefore to be treated with kindness and compassion and love, are not to be counted on for your own self worth. I fully expect to add more things to this list as I continue on my journey, and I hope it helps you on your own :] Also, I will be practicing this list every day along with you! So know you have a partner in this endevor :]
1. Morning Routine
Every morning, before you leave the house, recite your mantra. It doesn't have to be long and dramatic and cliche. It can just be "I love you, Taylor." (obviously insert your name, unless you really just love me that much ;] ) or "You are truly beautiful." I would say this needs to be hard to say at first, because that means it's something you need healing over. You'll feel silly at first, maybe conceited, but who the hell cares! You're all alone in your bedroom and eventually you will start to know that what you're saying is true. Personally, my mantra is "I love you, Taylor. You are more than enough."
2. Stay Healthy
Now, I am completely guilty of snacking in between meals and having delicious chocolate ice cream almost every night after dinner. Go for it. (I'll address this in my next point) But be sure to have moderation. If it's hard for you to stop eating the ice cream (like it is for me) then scoop out an appropriate amount into a bowl and allow yourself only that much, otherwise you'll eat the whole carton and then you're family is mad at you. Trust me, I know from experience :] Along with moderation comes exercise! I personally really enjoy exercising, when I'm not exhausted from my day. And I'm not talkin' weights and running four miles or any intense training. But set aside at least one day a week where you run around your neighborhood park, or do twenty pushups. Or the old take the stairs instead of the elevator trick! Anything to get your heart pumping more than usual, your body will really thank you. I personally have the Couch to 5K app that I run to, then do thirty minutes on the elliptical and then ab-work if I can get it in. Three times a week. (of course I'm slacking of now since it's the holidays)
3. Indulge
If you've dieted, you've experience some serious self-loathing. Because I don't know any one person on a diet who hasn't broken the rules a little bit, and then you feel like shit afterwards. So, don't diet. Eat healthily and be conscious, but if you have a craving then give your body what it wants! Cravings are your body telling you that you're missing something. Also, sometimes you just want to have a damn cookie. Or five. So know that you are going to break the rules and you are going to over eat, but that doesn't make you a fat pig or weak or stupid or uncommitted or any of the slue of horrible things I know you've called yourself, because I've called myself that too. Let yourself be imperfect.
4. Moderation in everything, even moderation
In high school, it can be terrifying not to stick to the status quo. You're supposed to laugh this loud and in this cute way. Don't get too excited when the boy you like texts you. Don't get pissed when a guy makes a feminist joke. Fuck that. Don't live in a constant state of moderation. I see inspirational quotes like "I dare you to not wear make up today. To cry it all out. To speak your mind in class. To be 100% you. Just for one day" Fuck that too! Be 100% you every single day! Cuss, as I so often do, because sometimes "Fuck my balls, holy shit buckets! FFFUUUCCCKKKKK!!! Is just the only saying that's appropriate. Dance in class! I tend to do this very often, and I probably look like an idiot, but the hell cares! I'm having a blast, my friends are having a blast, and my teacher is playing some good ass music so let's dance! And please, for the love of God, laugh. Laugh your real laugh too, because I know every single one of us has our public laugh, and our real laugh. Now, you don't need to whip out your real laugh to humor the semi-creepy substitute in your English class. But if something is just fucking hilarious, then laugh! And most importantly, love. Love without moderation. Because, even if you get all the fight beaten out of you and your heart ripped out, those things come back, and can be repaired. But if you truly loved the scumbag who hurt you, then your soul will forever be marked with all of that love. Love without the fear of the end. Love your best friend, love your parents! Love your pets and your clothes and you siblings and your books and your music and your tv shows! Love your teachers and the people walking the same hall as you because they're going through the exact same shit as you are. But above all things, love yourself with absolute no fucking moderation. Wear clothes you love yourself in, regardless of what anyone will think of you. Moderation, especially in moderation.
5. Have perspective
This will help with so many things. It will help you remember that these four years of your life are almost over, because it's only four years. And that your homework load really isn't that bad, compared to the fact that children are born orphaned and with AIDS in Africa. And if that perspective is too overused, look around your hallways. There are kids who have so much shit going on, homework doesn't even cross their minds. Our homework is helping us get into college, some kids are focussing on their job applications to the local auto-shop while we focus on our applications to college. And have perspective for the bitch who makes fun of people. What horrible self-confidence issues must she have that she has to put others down for answering a question right? I'm not saying that makes it excusable, but it'll help you not to hate her. Because hating hurts your soul and your own self-love. I believe that you must love yourself before you can love others, but I also believe that loving others helps you love yourself.
6. Write it out
Or draw it out, or talk it out, or dance it out, or yell it out, or sing it out, or photograph it out, or compose it out. Whatever you have to do get rid of your frustration and sadness and hurt and joy and excitement. If you're feeling something so powerfully that you just can't imagine holding it in any longer, then don't. Tell someone about it, or write a play about it or call your friend about it. But don't keep it in. Because harboring bad emotions only lets them fester and seem absolutely insurmountable. And harboring good emotions just isn't any fun!
7. Aim for your own perfection
This includes understanding that perfection doesn't exist. That you're own perfection is whatever makes you entirely you. Don't' compare yourself to super models or actresses or your friends. If you're inspired by someone's style then go for it, immolate them and take advice. But never try to exactly copy. You can always put your own twist on anything. From fashion to eating habits to qualities you admire. Borrow, but don't try to replicate. Because that's impossible, everyone is the same in that they're unique, and I realize the hypocrisy behind that statement. But since everyone is unique, you can't replicate anyone else.
8. Wait
Understand that the boys in high school, are just that. Boys. Little boys trying to be men. But most of them are egotistical and rude and have absolutely no idea how to treat girls. And that's okay. They'll learn. But we deserve men. We've matured faster than they have and our needs, both physical and emotional, can't be met by boys. If you're lucky enough to have found a man in high school, then I applaud you. There seem to be none at my own school though. So hold out for that guy who sends shivers down your spine. The one who holds the door for you and still expects you to pay for dinner every once in a while. The one who can look at you and make you laugh your head off, or can look at you and make you want to tear his clothes off. Wait for the guy who doesn't play games. Who has a wonderful relationship with his mom but doesn't expect you to be her. But above all, wait for the guy who doesn't expect you to need him and who doesn't need you. I know it's not that romantic, but if you ever find yourself needing a man, then you're in trouble. The whole point of this post is to have self-love and not pull your self-worth from others. So wait for the man who understands this. Who loves you more than life itself but will still go on living if you leave him, and who expects you to go on living as well. And while you're doing all this waiting, because I'm sure it's going to take a while, work on loving yourself. Make yourself into someone who also deserves him. Because he can't be the only one stepping up to the plate if you truly want a beautiful and long lasting relationship.
9. Be patient
You're going to be waiting for a lot of things in life. College acceptance letters, job offers, the right man, nine months for a baby, the right house, the right tree at Christmas, the line at Forever 21 on Black Friday. It's easy to get frustrated and caught up in all the waiting. But just relax, breathe, and be patient. Tell yourself that whatever it is you're waiting for will come, because it will if you've taken the right steps. By being patient you weed out whole lot of stress from your life. So be patient while you wait for all the wonderful things that are coming in your life. And while you're waiting, relish in all the wonderful things that are happening in your life right now.
10. Let yourself feel
As teenage girls, we have a ton of hormones pumping through our body at any given time. We are told to cover up the emotions brought on by these hormones so we don't seem like a "crazy hormonal girl". I have to pull out another fuck that right here. If you're hurt, then you get to fucking cry. If you're excited, then you get to that silly little dance and squeal at the most annoying decibel you can manage. You go crazy with your emotions! Because it makes you know you're human. I'm not saying go crying to the nearest acquaintance when you break a nail. But the deep emotions, the ones that make people uncomfortable, you run to your mom or your friend or your dog or your sister or your blog or whoever and whatever it is in your life that will listen. You spill all your shit onto them so they can go through it with you and help you out of the mud at the end. Do not be afraid to let yourself feel because it makes you seem weak or silly or stupid or cliche or dramatic or whatever. You feel everything all the time. Feel things deeply and let others know you feel. Because human beings weren't meant to be emotionless robots just so the other little robots won't feel uncomfortable. We are hardwired for hurt and happiness, and we get to feel every single emotion the life throws our way.
Okay!! That's all I have for ya tonight. I have a ton more ideas but it's one in the morning and I have school in the morning! I hope this helps you on your self-love journey, and I'll keep updating the list :]
Also! I totally forgot about hairography this week so you'll get two different hairstyles next week! My bad.
Good night my loves!
xxo taylor
1. Morning Routine
Every morning, before you leave the house, recite your mantra. It doesn't have to be long and dramatic and cliche. It can just be "I love you, Taylor." (obviously insert your name, unless you really just love me that much ;] ) or "You are truly beautiful." I would say this needs to be hard to say at first, because that means it's something you need healing over. You'll feel silly at first, maybe conceited, but who the hell cares! You're all alone in your bedroom and eventually you will start to know that what you're saying is true. Personally, my mantra is "I love you, Taylor. You are more than enough."
2. Stay Healthy
Now, I am completely guilty of snacking in between meals and having delicious chocolate ice cream almost every night after dinner. Go for it. (I'll address this in my next point) But be sure to have moderation. If it's hard for you to stop eating the ice cream (like it is for me) then scoop out an appropriate amount into a bowl and allow yourself only that much, otherwise you'll eat the whole carton and then you're family is mad at you. Trust me, I know from experience :] Along with moderation comes exercise! I personally really enjoy exercising, when I'm not exhausted from my day. And I'm not talkin' weights and running four miles or any intense training. But set aside at least one day a week where you run around your neighborhood park, or do twenty pushups. Or the old take the stairs instead of the elevator trick! Anything to get your heart pumping more than usual, your body will really thank you. I personally have the Couch to 5K app that I run to, then do thirty minutes on the elliptical and then ab-work if I can get it in. Three times a week. (of course I'm slacking of now since it's the holidays)
3. Indulge
If you've dieted, you've experience some serious self-loathing. Because I don't know any one person on a diet who hasn't broken the rules a little bit, and then you feel like shit afterwards. So, don't diet. Eat healthily and be conscious, but if you have a craving then give your body what it wants! Cravings are your body telling you that you're missing something. Also, sometimes you just want to have a damn cookie. Or five. So know that you are going to break the rules and you are going to over eat, but that doesn't make you a fat pig or weak or stupid or uncommitted or any of the slue of horrible things I know you've called yourself, because I've called myself that too. Let yourself be imperfect.
4. Moderation in everything, even moderation
In high school, it can be terrifying not to stick to the status quo. You're supposed to laugh this loud and in this cute way. Don't get too excited when the boy you like texts you. Don't get pissed when a guy makes a feminist joke. Fuck that. Don't live in a constant state of moderation. I see inspirational quotes like "I dare you to not wear make up today. To cry it all out. To speak your mind in class. To be 100% you. Just for one day" Fuck that too! Be 100% you every single day! Cuss, as I so often do, because sometimes "Fuck my balls, holy shit buckets! FFFUUUCCCKKKKK!!! Is just the only saying that's appropriate. Dance in class! I tend to do this very often, and I probably look like an idiot, but the hell cares! I'm having a blast, my friends are having a blast, and my teacher is playing some good ass music so let's dance! And please, for the love of God, laugh. Laugh your real laugh too, because I know every single one of us has our public laugh, and our real laugh. Now, you don't need to whip out your real laugh to humor the semi-creepy substitute in your English class. But if something is just fucking hilarious, then laugh! And most importantly, love. Love without moderation. Because, even if you get all the fight beaten out of you and your heart ripped out, those things come back, and can be repaired. But if you truly loved the scumbag who hurt you, then your soul will forever be marked with all of that love. Love without the fear of the end. Love your best friend, love your parents! Love your pets and your clothes and you siblings and your books and your music and your tv shows! Love your teachers and the people walking the same hall as you because they're going through the exact same shit as you are. But above all things, love yourself with absolute no fucking moderation. Wear clothes you love yourself in, regardless of what anyone will think of you. Moderation, especially in moderation.
5. Have perspective
This will help with so many things. It will help you remember that these four years of your life are almost over, because it's only four years. And that your homework load really isn't that bad, compared to the fact that children are born orphaned and with AIDS in Africa. And if that perspective is too overused, look around your hallways. There are kids who have so much shit going on, homework doesn't even cross their minds. Our homework is helping us get into college, some kids are focussing on their job applications to the local auto-shop while we focus on our applications to college. And have perspective for the bitch who makes fun of people. What horrible self-confidence issues must she have that she has to put others down for answering a question right? I'm not saying that makes it excusable, but it'll help you not to hate her. Because hating hurts your soul and your own self-love. I believe that you must love yourself before you can love others, but I also believe that loving others helps you love yourself.
6. Write it out
Or draw it out, or talk it out, or dance it out, or yell it out, or sing it out, or photograph it out, or compose it out. Whatever you have to do get rid of your frustration and sadness and hurt and joy and excitement. If you're feeling something so powerfully that you just can't imagine holding it in any longer, then don't. Tell someone about it, or write a play about it or call your friend about it. But don't keep it in. Because harboring bad emotions only lets them fester and seem absolutely insurmountable. And harboring good emotions just isn't any fun!
7. Aim for your own perfection
This includes understanding that perfection doesn't exist. That you're own perfection is whatever makes you entirely you. Don't' compare yourself to super models or actresses or your friends. If you're inspired by someone's style then go for it, immolate them and take advice. But never try to exactly copy. You can always put your own twist on anything. From fashion to eating habits to qualities you admire. Borrow, but don't try to replicate. Because that's impossible, everyone is the same in that they're unique, and I realize the hypocrisy behind that statement. But since everyone is unique, you can't replicate anyone else.
8. Wait
Understand that the boys in high school, are just that. Boys. Little boys trying to be men. But most of them are egotistical and rude and have absolutely no idea how to treat girls. And that's okay. They'll learn. But we deserve men. We've matured faster than they have and our needs, both physical and emotional, can't be met by boys. If you're lucky enough to have found a man in high school, then I applaud you. There seem to be none at my own school though. So hold out for that guy who sends shivers down your spine. The one who holds the door for you and still expects you to pay for dinner every once in a while. The one who can look at you and make you laugh your head off, or can look at you and make you want to tear his clothes off. Wait for the guy who doesn't play games. Who has a wonderful relationship with his mom but doesn't expect you to be her. But above all, wait for the guy who doesn't expect you to need him and who doesn't need you. I know it's not that romantic, but if you ever find yourself needing a man, then you're in trouble. The whole point of this post is to have self-love and not pull your self-worth from others. So wait for the man who understands this. Who loves you more than life itself but will still go on living if you leave him, and who expects you to go on living as well. And while you're doing all this waiting, because I'm sure it's going to take a while, work on loving yourself. Make yourself into someone who also deserves him. Because he can't be the only one stepping up to the plate if you truly want a beautiful and long lasting relationship.
9. Be patient
You're going to be waiting for a lot of things in life. College acceptance letters, job offers, the right man, nine months for a baby, the right house, the right tree at Christmas, the line at Forever 21 on Black Friday. It's easy to get frustrated and caught up in all the waiting. But just relax, breathe, and be patient. Tell yourself that whatever it is you're waiting for will come, because it will if you've taken the right steps. By being patient you weed out whole lot of stress from your life. So be patient while you wait for all the wonderful things that are coming in your life. And while you're waiting, relish in all the wonderful things that are happening in your life right now.
10. Let yourself feel
As teenage girls, we have a ton of hormones pumping through our body at any given time. We are told to cover up the emotions brought on by these hormones so we don't seem like a "crazy hormonal girl". I have to pull out another fuck that right here. If you're hurt, then you get to fucking cry. If you're excited, then you get to that silly little dance and squeal at the most annoying decibel you can manage. You go crazy with your emotions! Because it makes you know you're human. I'm not saying go crying to the nearest acquaintance when you break a nail. But the deep emotions, the ones that make people uncomfortable, you run to your mom or your friend or your dog or your sister or your blog or whoever and whatever it is in your life that will listen. You spill all your shit onto them so they can go through it with you and help you out of the mud at the end. Do not be afraid to let yourself feel because it makes you seem weak or silly or stupid or cliche or dramatic or whatever. You feel everything all the time. Feel things deeply and let others know you feel. Because human beings weren't meant to be emotionless robots just so the other little robots won't feel uncomfortable. We are hardwired for hurt and happiness, and we get to feel every single emotion the life throws our way.
Okay!! That's all I have for ya tonight. I have a ton more ideas but it's one in the morning and I have school in the morning! I hope this helps you on your self-love journey, and I'll keep updating the list :]
Also! I totally forgot about hairography this week so you'll get two different hairstyles next week! My bad.
Good night my loves!
xxo taylor
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I Am Enough
You remember E and P? The two glorious girls who unknowingly breathed self-love back into my life? Well, they have done it yet again! If you haven't fallen completely and totally in love with their blog, then you haven't visited it yet (link at the end of the post, as per usual). P posted a TED video with a woman talking about vulnerability and how it breeds both feelings of excruciating fear and shame and disappoint, and those of joy and love and comfort and, most importantly, courage. I am, admittedly, an extremely vulnerable person, I am not afraid of my past mistakes and heartaches. I am a firm believer in letting yourself feel everything, no matter what well-meaning advice your mother or father or sister or friend gives you. But I am also very susceptible to the not-so-pretty side of vulnerability. I open myself up to people extremely easily and expect every guy to be a nice one and every girl to want to connect with me the way I would love to. So, as a result, I get hurt, very easily. I allow myself to feel it and then tell myself it's okay after I've cried myself to sleep. But if I'm being honest, even months after a big event, I can sometimes be reminded of it and still be hit with a pang of sadness or hurt or guilt or whatever horrible feeling that memory is coupled with. So! This post, inspired by P, E and that lovely researcher/story teller from the TED video. It is a post that I think I knew was coming subconsciously, and it is going to be very cathartic and, prepare yourselves, extremely dramatic. So. Here we go!
Gabriel N. This is a name that used to immediately bring a smile to my face and wonderful memories flying into my head beginning from age seven. He was my best friend since second grade and boy I'd had a massive crush on since we were ten, but of course never said anything because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Well, I dated other boys of course and was smitten over others, but always came back to him. He was always the person I could talk to about literally anything. We were the only two really liberal people I knew of and agreed on most things, and had very fun debates when we didn't. I could tell him about my insecurities and the boys I liked and my troubles at home when things, thankfully rarely, got bad. Best friend. In every sense of the word. A person I knew 100 percent would remain my friend through college, no matter how far away we got from each other. Now, Gabriel was always shorter than the other boys and was the guy my friends and I would always remind ourselves of when we complained about all the jerks we went to school with. I was the only one who ever legitimately thought about dating him, but never really let myself like him. Until fall semester of Junior year. It was right around this time last year, I realized that my massive crush for my best friend had turned into something I could not control. I started analyzing everything he did and said and I had absolutely no idea how to act around him anymore. I flirt. With everyone. It's how I interact. But when I start trying to get a guy's attention, I have zero game. I say really cheesy and silly things and try to seem aloof one day while being overly accessible the next. It seems the only time I can't be myself is when I'm trying my hardest to be. And around Gabe I had never had to try before. So, before I could talk myself out of it, I asked him to prom. He said yes, he'd love to go and I was very surprised at how unsurprised he seemed. That's when I realized he didn't understand that I was telling him I liked him. So I had another battle I had to prepare for. And one day, we riding in his car after lunch or something, and I told him I liked him. And he told me he liked me too. Ding dong, the bells chime, best friends date and live happily ever after, fairy tale yay! THE END! Except not. After two weeks of not talking, he came over and apologized but said he didn't actually like me, he was just so impressed with how vulnerable (cough cough) I allowed myself to be that he couldn't bear the thought of telling me then. Understandable. Kind of. Anyway, my biggest fear came true and it was wayyyy awkward with us until one day he said he didn't think it'd be best if we went to prom together either. Awesome. Well, fast forward through two months of hella awkwardness and it's our birthday month (he's March 5th, me March 10th). I'm over it and ready to be friends and then it's one more month later and we have an absolute blast at prom, and dance together while our dates are off getting punch or something. Back to normal :] Then. Summer starts, we get to hang out more since our souls return after the school doors close. One night, after a movie we went to with a few of our friends, he drops me off at home and we start in on one of our long talks that range from politics to petty friend drama. Somehow something comes up about our friends are a little wary of him since the prom debacle and somewhere in between defending himself and half-way apologizing, the words "..because I like you..." slip out of his mouth. Of course, I have to ask which exact definition of the word "like" he's referring to. So we talk about what happened the last time we tried this and my fears and he promises never to hurt me like that again because he cares about me and we agree to go on a date in a few days. He walks me to the door, and I kiss him on the cheek, and my dad warns me no to trust him too deeply. "Dad! Com on, he's Gabriel." Girls, if there is one point of advice I could not stress enough, is to trust your father wholeheartedly when it comes to boys. Especially if he was a total player the way my dad was when he was younger, because, somehow, my mom reined him in and he's been a one woman man for twenty two years. So we go on the date that can still to this day be called the best first date of my life. Super 8, late night Barnes & Noble run with hot chocolate and making fun of romance novels with chiseled men on the cover, and then our neighborhood park where we share our first kiss. Oh, and we became official of course. A week goes by and we're totally smitten, him being sweeter than I ever thought Gabriel could be and me losing myself in our very cliche and fairy tale like relationship. Then he went to Prauge for a violin camp (I fall for music nerds, it's strange) for two and half weeks. I decide to give him space, if I were at an acting camp over seas I wouldn't want to have to morph my schedule around a boy back home after all, and don't hear from him until the night he gets back. The next day he comes over so we can hang out and I can immediately tell something is off. He awkward asks me about my vacation to Florida and I ask him about Prauge. He tells me he sorta kissed someone else (also, I found out it was a lot more than "sorta kissing" from a friend who went to the same camp). I'm speechless. I ask if he understood we were exclusive, even if it had only been a month, he says yes. I say I'm his best friend, not just some random hookup he can step all over. He says he knows that, he doesn't see me like that. I tell him I think he should leave. He looks confused and just sits there. "Like now." He walks out. Now, this is a big deal. I do not, ever, ever, NEVER stand up for myself. Especially where boy are concerned. I cry. I call friends. I call him and deliver the best monologue I've ever done. More tears, lots of ice cream and a really good horror movie. A week later, I'm sick of not talking and call him, he doesn't apologize, he makes me think he didn't do anything wrong. We're friends again. Then, two days later, he went to visit the girl he cheated on me with. I kinda lost it then. We are currently somewhat coming out of the cold-shoulder phase, considering we're both student body officers and are constantly having to work together, and I am trying to put it behind me. I understand it was a short relationship, but it's not about the relationship to me. It's about the ten years of trust and friendship that he so easily threw away and how this person who I've told my deepest fears and insecurities and my biggest dreams and who I've laughed with and hung out with until at least two in the morning. The person I had a joint 16th birthday party with. The person who never told anyone when my older sister overdosed while living in his back apartment that they rented out (she's alive, by the way... and sober :D ). He has completely changed into someone I don't recognize. He's trying to impress the guys he used to hate and acts like he's God's gift. I'm trying to put it behind me. And I can't talk about it with my friends anymore because, understandably, they've gotten a little tired of discussing it. Even my sister has. But I'm still dealing with feelings of anger and hurt and loss and confusion and self-consciousness, because if I get cheated on by my best friend then what does that say about me? But it's hard, and I'm still having an internal struggle over if I should call him and tell him we can just forget about everything and be best friends again or if I should completely cut him out of my life. So I just wait to see what's going to happen. And I let go a little bit at a time. I talk to less and less people about it. I try and make my face look indifferent when someone tells a story about him. I smile at him in the hallway, even though he pretends he doesn't see me. And things like what P and E posted help me a lot. Help me to allow myself to understand that I am enough, that if he can't see that then he isn't. But that doesn't mean I have to hate him. I have forgiven him. I just haven't forgotten. But this post has really helped me to let go the biggest piece. The piece that somehow blames myself for it. Because I can't have a healthy relationship with him (surface or real) if I don't love myself. And right now I'm going to work on that. Loving myself. I've decided to put the Gabriel issue, really the whole having a boyfriend issue, to put it away for now. To focus on my Senior year and go to college and make a wonderful woman out of myself. Because I have to live with myself for the rest of my life, boyfriend or no, husband or no, best friend or no. So, once again, I owe a gigantic thank you to E and P for their amazing self-love and confidence and courage and vulnerability and ability to inspire others with it. Once again, I apologize for the drama in this post, but it was much needed and greatly appreciated.
Here's the link to my bible!!: http://eandpguidetolife.tumblr.com/
xxo taylor
Gabriel N. This is a name that used to immediately bring a smile to my face and wonderful memories flying into my head beginning from age seven. He was my best friend since second grade and boy I'd had a massive crush on since we were ten, but of course never said anything because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Well, I dated other boys of course and was smitten over others, but always came back to him. He was always the person I could talk to about literally anything. We were the only two really liberal people I knew of and agreed on most things, and had very fun debates when we didn't. I could tell him about my insecurities and the boys I liked and my troubles at home when things, thankfully rarely, got bad. Best friend. In every sense of the word. A person I knew 100 percent would remain my friend through college, no matter how far away we got from each other. Now, Gabriel was always shorter than the other boys and was the guy my friends and I would always remind ourselves of when we complained about all the jerks we went to school with. I was the only one who ever legitimately thought about dating him, but never really let myself like him. Until fall semester of Junior year. It was right around this time last year, I realized that my massive crush for my best friend had turned into something I could not control. I started analyzing everything he did and said and I had absolutely no idea how to act around him anymore. I flirt. With everyone. It's how I interact. But when I start trying to get a guy's attention, I have zero game. I say really cheesy and silly things and try to seem aloof one day while being overly accessible the next. It seems the only time I can't be myself is when I'm trying my hardest to be. And around Gabe I had never had to try before. So, before I could talk myself out of it, I asked him to prom. He said yes, he'd love to go and I was very surprised at how unsurprised he seemed. That's when I realized he didn't understand that I was telling him I liked him. So I had another battle I had to prepare for. And one day, we riding in his car after lunch or something, and I told him I liked him. And he told me he liked me too. Ding dong, the bells chime, best friends date and live happily ever after, fairy tale yay! THE END! Except not. After two weeks of not talking, he came over and apologized but said he didn't actually like me, he was just so impressed with how vulnerable (cough cough) I allowed myself to be that he couldn't bear the thought of telling me then. Understandable. Kind of. Anyway, my biggest fear came true and it was wayyyy awkward with us until one day he said he didn't think it'd be best if we went to prom together either. Awesome. Well, fast forward through two months of hella awkwardness and it's our birthday month (he's March 5th, me March 10th). I'm over it and ready to be friends and then it's one more month later and we have an absolute blast at prom, and dance together while our dates are off getting punch or something. Back to normal :] Then. Summer starts, we get to hang out more since our souls return after the school doors close. One night, after a movie we went to with a few of our friends, he drops me off at home and we start in on one of our long talks that range from politics to petty friend drama. Somehow something comes up about our friends are a little wary of him since the prom debacle and somewhere in between defending himself and half-way apologizing, the words "..because I like you..." slip out of his mouth. Of course, I have to ask which exact definition of the word "like" he's referring to. So we talk about what happened the last time we tried this and my fears and he promises never to hurt me like that again because he cares about me and we agree to go on a date in a few days. He walks me to the door, and I kiss him on the cheek, and my dad warns me no to trust him too deeply. "Dad! Com on, he's Gabriel." Girls, if there is one point of advice I could not stress enough, is to trust your father wholeheartedly when it comes to boys. Especially if he was a total player the way my dad was when he was younger, because, somehow, my mom reined him in and he's been a one woman man for twenty two years. So we go on the date that can still to this day be called the best first date of my life. Super 8, late night Barnes & Noble run with hot chocolate and making fun of romance novels with chiseled men on the cover, and then our neighborhood park where we share our first kiss. Oh, and we became official of course. A week goes by and we're totally smitten, him being sweeter than I ever thought Gabriel could be and me losing myself in our very cliche and fairy tale like relationship. Then he went to Prauge for a violin camp (I fall for music nerds, it's strange) for two and half weeks. I decide to give him space, if I were at an acting camp over seas I wouldn't want to have to morph my schedule around a boy back home after all, and don't hear from him until the night he gets back. The next day he comes over so we can hang out and I can immediately tell something is off. He awkward asks me about my vacation to Florida and I ask him about Prauge. He tells me he sorta kissed someone else (also, I found out it was a lot more than "sorta kissing" from a friend who went to the same camp). I'm speechless. I ask if he understood we were exclusive, even if it had only been a month, he says yes. I say I'm his best friend, not just some random hookup he can step all over. He says he knows that, he doesn't see me like that. I tell him I think he should leave. He looks confused and just sits there. "Like now." He walks out. Now, this is a big deal. I do not, ever, ever, NEVER stand up for myself. Especially where boy are concerned. I cry. I call friends. I call him and deliver the best monologue I've ever done. More tears, lots of ice cream and a really good horror movie. A week later, I'm sick of not talking and call him, he doesn't apologize, he makes me think he didn't do anything wrong. We're friends again. Then, two days later, he went to visit the girl he cheated on me with. I kinda lost it then. We are currently somewhat coming out of the cold-shoulder phase, considering we're both student body officers and are constantly having to work together, and I am trying to put it behind me. I understand it was a short relationship, but it's not about the relationship to me. It's about the ten years of trust and friendship that he so easily threw away and how this person who I've told my deepest fears and insecurities and my biggest dreams and who I've laughed with and hung out with until at least two in the morning. The person I had a joint 16th birthday party with. The person who never told anyone when my older sister overdosed while living in his back apartment that they rented out (she's alive, by the way... and sober :D ). He has completely changed into someone I don't recognize. He's trying to impress the guys he used to hate and acts like he's God's gift. I'm trying to put it behind me. And I can't talk about it with my friends anymore because, understandably, they've gotten a little tired of discussing it. Even my sister has. But I'm still dealing with feelings of anger and hurt and loss and confusion and self-consciousness, because if I get cheated on by my best friend then what does that say about me? But it's hard, and I'm still having an internal struggle over if I should call him and tell him we can just forget about everything and be best friends again or if I should completely cut him out of my life. So I just wait to see what's going to happen. And I let go a little bit at a time. I talk to less and less people about it. I try and make my face look indifferent when someone tells a story about him. I smile at him in the hallway, even though he pretends he doesn't see me. And things like what P and E posted help me a lot. Help me to allow myself to understand that I am enough, that if he can't see that then he isn't. But that doesn't mean I have to hate him. I have forgiven him. I just haven't forgotten. But this post has really helped me to let go the biggest piece. The piece that somehow blames myself for it. Because I can't have a healthy relationship with him (surface or real) if I don't love myself. And right now I'm going to work on that. Loving myself. I've decided to put the Gabriel issue, really the whole having a boyfriend issue, to put it away for now. To focus on my Senior year and go to college and make a wonderful woman out of myself. Because I have to live with myself for the rest of my life, boyfriend or no, husband or no, best friend or no. So, once again, I owe a gigantic thank you to E and P for their amazing self-love and confidence and courage and vulnerability and ability to inspire others with it. Once again, I apologize for the drama in this post, but it was much needed and greatly appreciated.
Here's the link to my bible!!: http://eandpguidetolife.tumblr.com/
xxo taylor
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Busy Bee...
I know, I know. I've been neglecting you. I am truly and deeply sorry but I have been busier than Jay-Z and Beyonce before she got pregnant! ... I also apologize for that joke. I am happy to say that my both my EE and my TOK essays are completed and turned in! It still hasn't set in. But I am wayyyyy excited! Now tonight I just have to wrap up my Group 4 science project and come up with my IA question for World Topics, then after I make up stuff in Physics and Math Studies I can finally relax and enjoy the holiday season :] For my readers (I don't think I actually have any readers, but maybe someday...) who are unaware of the ridiculousness that is IB, it's a different type of diploma program that requires the teachers to torture their sweet and lovable and naive students with various research papers, science projects and Internal Assessment projects. It's glorious. Also, as much as I complain about IB, I love it and the completely familial feel every class has :] Anyway! I've basically just taken a long time to say I've been crazy busy but a new hair post is imminent! I already know what I'm going to do and have worn it out :] Until then my loves!!
xxo taylor
xxo taylor
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