Got this idea from http://galadarling.com/, my self-love guru. So every Thursday I'm going to make a list of things that are making me happy or that I particularly love that week :] If I'm ever feeling low, I'll just look at my latest list and decide to focus on all the things I love about life!
Here we go!
1. SUMMER!
2. Family (I just had a ton in town for my graduation, which brings me to the next thing I love)
3. No longer being a high school student!!!
4. Waking up from bad dreams: I just had a horrible one last night and there's no greater feeling than waking up a realizing it isn't real
5. Sorry to get all cheesy on you but, my boyfriend C :]
6. Planning my road trip with my best friends J, A and S!! :DDDD
7. Being lazy
8. Working out and eating healthy (I feel amazing ALL the time!)
9. Conversely, those little mini diet coke cans. My big sister A was here this weekend and showed me how she squeezes a little lime into them. So good!
10. My dogs :]
11. Darren Criss.
12. Darren Criss.
13. Summer hats
14. New clothes :D
15. Pictures of Darren Criss shirtless
16. Cleaning out my closet and finding adorable clothes I totally forgot about
17. Laying out by the pool
18. Art projects
19. Not putting on makeup
20. Darren Criss
All righty, there's my list :] Remember to always be grateful and try to come up with your own list!
xxo taylor
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
I'm a Feeler
So, this evening, I went to my High School's recognition ceremony where everyone gets awards for being absolutely amazing as all my friends are :] Unfortunately, many people are underrepresented and over looked at things like these, and, not to sound full of myself, but I am one of those people. I also feel that my friends E and C and S and K and A and M and many others are also overlooked. Before you go on, you should read E's post
http://eandpguidetolife.tumblr.com/post/21577641127/on-dots-and-stars
about how to base merit and how to view yourself. I keep reminded myself of the dots and stars story, but I'm not nearly as amazing as E is and I'm more self conscious than I like to admit so most of the time I'm walking around clinging to the few stars I have and trying to ignore the many dots burdening me. Anyway. This particular evening, I spent hours trying to find something to wear because it's one of those days where you don't feel pretty in anything, and end up with thousands of dresses forming a threatening mountain on your bed and a screaming fight with your mother. Then, I was already a bit bitter because, and now I'm letting myself gloat, I have spent SO MUCH of my time these past four years bettering my high school by being over involved in student council, coming to all the meetings, being Student Body Treasurer this year, and I have never gotten a lick of appreciation recognition. I've never been Teen of the Month, I've never been Who's Who and I sure as hell wasn't nominated for All Westerner. Even though I've done more for that school than the majority of the class. I know it sounds incredibly petty, and deep down I understand that I am not what some middle aged high school administrators think of me, but it would have been nice to have been recognized with more than just a certificate that says Student Body Treasurer. Like, some scholarship money that comes with those awards would have been nice. Anyway, so now you know all that was going on inside my head. Well. Then Mr. W, the Student Body sponsor and Assistant Principle of Activities at my school, who's office, I might add, I have been in at least three times a week this entire school year for a minimum of thirty minutes each time. I know the guy. Well, he got up and was opening the ceremony and thanking all the Student Body officers and forgot my name. Yes yes. He went through "J & G, Student Body Co-Presidents, K, Student Body VP, S, Student Body Secretary and- oh gosh I'm drawing a blank here I feel like Rick Perry." Then someone yelled "Taylor!" and everyone laughed, and I did too, because it was a good save. But god fucking dammit, wasn't that just the cherry on top of a lovely evening?
I really do understand that it was an honest mistake, and I'm not mad at the guy at all, I know there was nothing malicious about it, but it still makes me feel shitty about myself. Anyway, the whole reason I'm even writing this post in the first place is because I couldn't vent to my dad about it. I'm the kind of person who has to just get all my feelings out before I can get over it. Sometimes it sucks, but it's just how I'm wired. So I came home from getting froyo with my friends after the ceremony and my dad asked me how I was, because he was there and saw it and everything. And I say shitty and he starts just ripping me a new one. Going on about how I have a great life and he'd be a shitty father if he let me wallow in self-pity, that Smiths (that's not our last name, but I gotta make sure no creepy serial killer rapists get me) don't let this shit bother them yada yada yada. So I start yelling about how I'm not like him, I can't just not give a shit about what people do, I wish I could but I can't and he just needs to let me talk it for two seconds and I'll be fine but apparently, the Smiths aren't understanding either so I'll just have to go talk to someone else! Then I stalked off to my room, slammed the door and here I am. I get it. My dad grew up in an impoverished family with six kids and an alcoholic, abusive father and an unhealthily codependent mother. He pretty much moved out of the house at fifteen and then hitch hiked from Texas to New York to California and didn't go to college till he was thirty and had to pay his own way through. He didn't survive that shit by caring if an administrator forgot his name. But he has to understand that I'm different. I want people to acknowledge the work and effort I've put out there. And he also needs to realize that I'm only 18 years old and still figuring out who I am and people forgetting my name isn't the best self esteem booster. Yes. I am trying to be better. Trying to not care about other people so much, and I'm trying to change. But I can't help how I react to things and how they make me feel. And him yelling at me about it only makes me hate that aspect of me more, and aspect that I try to love because I think it's kind and genuine to care and feel.
I think I need to stop myself here or I'm just going to start rehashing every fight my father and I ever had and then end up writing my memoir. Good night loves. Stay positive (I feel hypocritical saying that after this post) Love yourself.
xxo taylor
ps. P got the All Westerner award and she SO DESERVED IT!!!!! Oh my God I was so so excited when they called her name, I wanted to jump up into the air but instead I just whooped really loudly along with M, J and A. She is amazing :]
http://eandpguidetolife.tumblr.com/post/21577641127/on-dots-and-stars
about how to base merit and how to view yourself. I keep reminded myself of the dots and stars story, but I'm not nearly as amazing as E is and I'm more self conscious than I like to admit so most of the time I'm walking around clinging to the few stars I have and trying to ignore the many dots burdening me. Anyway. This particular evening, I spent hours trying to find something to wear because it's one of those days where you don't feel pretty in anything, and end up with thousands of dresses forming a threatening mountain on your bed and a screaming fight with your mother. Then, I was already a bit bitter because, and now I'm letting myself gloat, I have spent SO MUCH of my time these past four years bettering my high school by being over involved in student council, coming to all the meetings, being Student Body Treasurer this year, and I have never gotten a lick of appreciation recognition. I've never been Teen of the Month, I've never been Who's Who and I sure as hell wasn't nominated for All Westerner. Even though I've done more for that school than the majority of the class. I know it sounds incredibly petty, and deep down I understand that I am not what some middle aged high school administrators think of me, but it would have been nice to have been recognized with more than just a certificate that says Student Body Treasurer. Like, some scholarship money that comes with those awards would have been nice. Anyway, so now you know all that was going on inside my head. Well. Then Mr. W, the Student Body sponsor and Assistant Principle of Activities at my school, who's office, I might add, I have been in at least three times a week this entire school year for a minimum of thirty minutes each time. I know the guy. Well, he got up and was opening the ceremony and thanking all the Student Body officers and forgot my name. Yes yes. He went through "J & G, Student Body Co-Presidents, K, Student Body VP, S, Student Body Secretary and- oh gosh I'm drawing a blank here I feel like Rick Perry." Then someone yelled "Taylor!" and everyone laughed, and I did too, because it was a good save. But god fucking dammit, wasn't that just the cherry on top of a lovely evening?
I really do understand that it was an honest mistake, and I'm not mad at the guy at all, I know there was nothing malicious about it, but it still makes me feel shitty about myself. Anyway, the whole reason I'm even writing this post in the first place is because I couldn't vent to my dad about it. I'm the kind of person who has to just get all my feelings out before I can get over it. Sometimes it sucks, but it's just how I'm wired. So I came home from getting froyo with my friends after the ceremony and my dad asked me how I was, because he was there and saw it and everything. And I say shitty and he starts just ripping me a new one. Going on about how I have a great life and he'd be a shitty father if he let me wallow in self-pity, that Smiths (that's not our last name, but I gotta make sure no creepy serial killer rapists get me) don't let this shit bother them yada yada yada. So I start yelling about how I'm not like him, I can't just not give a shit about what people do, I wish I could but I can't and he just needs to let me talk it for two seconds and I'll be fine but apparently, the Smiths aren't understanding either so I'll just have to go talk to someone else! Then I stalked off to my room, slammed the door and here I am. I get it. My dad grew up in an impoverished family with six kids and an alcoholic, abusive father and an unhealthily codependent mother. He pretty much moved out of the house at fifteen and then hitch hiked from Texas to New York to California and didn't go to college till he was thirty and had to pay his own way through. He didn't survive that shit by caring if an administrator forgot his name. But he has to understand that I'm different. I want people to acknowledge the work and effort I've put out there. And he also needs to realize that I'm only 18 years old and still figuring out who I am and people forgetting my name isn't the best self esteem booster. Yes. I am trying to be better. Trying to not care about other people so much, and I'm trying to change. But I can't help how I react to things and how they make me feel. And him yelling at me about it only makes me hate that aspect of me more, and aspect that I try to love because I think it's kind and genuine to care and feel.
I think I need to stop myself here or I'm just going to start rehashing every fight my father and I ever had and then end up writing my memoir. Good night loves. Stay positive (I feel hypocritical saying that after this post) Love yourself.
xxo taylor
ps. P got the All Westerner award and she SO DESERVED IT!!!!! Oh my God I was so so excited when they called her name, I wanted to jump up into the air but instead I just whooped really loudly along with M, J and A. She is amazing :]
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