Validation

There's a song call Got it From My Mamma by will.i.am. Curvy girls sing about what physical attributes were passed down to them from the mothers over an unoriginal hip-hop beat. Pretty generic. Anyway. Along with many other good qualities, what I inherited from my mother is a need for validation. It's been a running theme in all of my relationships that usually always ends with the guy, understandably, not being able to handle my constant need for affirmation of his declarations of love. Add to that one of the people who knows you best totally and completely betraying you after ten years and you've got a lovely concoction of trust issues and an unhealthy self-image. I am currently in the longest relationship I've ever been in, we just celebrated our one year anniversary. No one has ever stuck around this long and it feels like every fiber of my being is electrified with terror. I know it sounds really dramatic, but it's midnight, and it's true. So. I have this amazing, kind, patient guy putting up with all of this crazy for over a year. What's the catch? And that's the problem. I'm constantly looking for the catch. I test him and question him and make him feel like I don't trust him even though I completely do all because of my own fucked up shit. I can't believe that someone can truly 100% care about me, romantically that is. And it's total bull shit. Because I'm awesome! Honestly. I feel pretty great about myself as a person. But for some reason I don't feel great as myself as a person in a relationship. It's hard to articulate. I don't even know what else to say about this and it's late and i'm being dramatic and i probably shouldn't even post this but i'm going to

xxo taylor